Chart Review: 6th September 2024

Making sense of a nation’s musical tastes.

A new low I think for the chart round up with just one fresh entry clambering into the Top 40, so we’ll have a look at that and then see what’s been clogging things up for a long time. Oh, great, it’s Coldplay, whose “We Pray” lands at (31). 

I realised the other day that Coldplay’s cultural acceptability has been sort of Ben Button-like. When they first made it big, they were castigated as a boring band and, like Nickelback at around the same time, they swiftly became a punchline of sorts. They were, in fact, ur-bland, boring band; if for some reason you had designs on having cool musical taste, you’d steer well clear of Coldplay (or make a point of praising - within reason - the first two records, the pre-”Fix You” gear). Obviously they’ve a little more going for them than Nickelback so there are plenty who’d still go to bat for them, but their cultural cache was for shit. “Coldplay are dull” was the accepted truth. 

Over time, though, through incredibly shrewd management, trendy collaborations, and being pals with Jay Z and Beyonce etc, that tide has turned. I suppose it simply became passe to slag off Coldplay, and now you could express your fondness for that particular band without raising an eyebrow. They’ve had a Will Burroughs cut and paste version of their heroes U2’s career - they got their overexposure and sanctimonious era out of the way early, so when they became elder statesmen of soft rock (or whatever), the public was ready to accept them again. Against all the odds, they were hip.

But the cold hard truth is, Coldplay are a million times more boring now than they were in their first heyday. A billion times! You can rip the piss out of lyrics about being “all yellow” as much as you like, but when those soaring guitars kick in? Come on! Then you’ve got the likes of “Don’t Panic”, a genuinely excellent song, and “Everything’s Not Lost”, which, sure, is a bit much, but it’s still pretty great stuff. 

Comparing that to “We Pray” is just not a fair game. Chris Martin’s never been a great singer (which isn’t to say he’s not a great frontman, which he indisputably is), but he’s never worse than when he’s out of his comfort zone like he is on the verses of this track. He’s sort of trying to skip over a beat and it’s embarrassing stuff. They’ve been in their style riding era for close to two decades now I’d imagine, but some of the sounds on this are ridiculous. There’s a pounding electronic bass drum going into the chorus that’s headache-inducing. The violins sound like someone’s tried to replicate “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child. 

I hate it when people (boomers) do that thing about “[‘60s song]:” one songwriter; “[modern pop song]:” seven songwriters because it so spectacularly misses the point, but “We Pray” has fourteen credited songwriters (and five producers, three of whom don’t get writing credits). Even taking into account the fact that four of them are the Coldplay boys and some are the featured artists, that’s a lot of people to write any song, let alone this song. That’s a starting XI and three subs. That’s a committee. 

And all of that makes sense because this is as basic as a song can get. The song is a list of things Chris Martin prays for. Not specific, interesting things, mind - ordinary things. If you do a little research it seems that Martin was brought up under strict religious tutelage which he’s since shrugged off, so you’d imagine he could, if he so wished, write a reasonably interesting song about faith and belief and doctrine and so forth. Instead we get lyrics like “I pray that I don’t give up / Pray that I do my best.” Someone on YouTube has snipped that and commented “Thank you Coldplay!!!!!!!” preceded and followed by a total of 23 teary eyed emojis. 

Little Simz gets a verse on this track, and while it’s the high point of a dreary experience, even this isn’t very good. Even Little Simz, one of the best around, is rendered boring by this song.

And yet it still feels impossible to hate Coldplay because of the years they went through being the undeserved butt of a joke. While I’ve never been a full-on fan, I’ve certainly defended them to people I thought weren’t taking into consideration those early albums. So when they’re releasing utter dross like this, it doesn’t seem right to truly detest it because they’ve taken their lumps. The greatest trick Coldplay ever pulled was convincing the world their bad music was the stuff pre-2005. And like that, they’ll be around forever.

I can’t be bothered with the rest of the chart. Sabrina Carpenter’s (1) again with “Taste”. 

Pick of the week: Coldplay - “Don’t Panic”