Network PPV Reviews #001: Taboo Tuesday 2004

Combing through the WWE Network one Pay Per View at a time

19/10/2004 - Coming live from the Bradley Centre in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, this was WWE’s first attempt at harnessing the power of the internet. Fans the world over can vote on who’ll be in the match, its stipulations, and more unseemly matters as we’ll get into. It’s not a bad idea, though one can safely assume the fix is in. 

After the opening video setting up the voting system, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawyer welcome us to the show before throwing to Jonathan Coachman. “Coach is going to be the MC - I hope that doesn’t stand for mental case,” Lawler says, delivering his first but very much not last clanger. Coach introduces the divas, who’ll be taking part in a battle royale later on. They’re marched onto a stage which is decked out like a big keyboard. It looks dreadful.

We descend into uncomfortable viewing about five minutes in, as the fans have been invited to vote on whether the divas wear nurses’ outfits, French maid uniforms, or schoolgirl garb. The Milwaukee crowd, perhaps out of respect for the medical profession, are really not into the idea of nurses’ outfits being sullied, but they’re well into the whole schoolgirl thing. It wins in a landslide online; Lawler shrieks “Go put on your schoolgirl outfits!”

Intercontinental Championship: Chris Jericho(c) vs Shelton Benjamin

Jericho strides to the ring - he’s billed as “born in Manhattan, New York.” I believe Vince decided around this time that no good guys could come from Canada. Jericho has a really nice haircut and looks like Paul Rudd. A selection of big names and no-marks are subject to the public vote for this match. We get to see Maven, who’s now doing good stuff on YouTube, and Tyson Tomko, about whom the audience could not care less. Shelton Benjamin wins in a landslide which the crowd loves. Impressively at least four of these blokes are still wrestling regularly. 

The competitors are all square to start off with. It’s not long before JR gets sidetracked talking about his favourite subject, a wrestler’s background in legitimate sports. Jericho smartly builds the heat on himself, delivering some cocky slaps and his one foot pin to Benjamin then some stiff kicks to get the crowd behind the honest, hard working underdog. He calls a lot of spots pretty obviously, maybe for the benefit of the still-green Benjamin. It’s functional stuff mostly but the pace picks up in the closing stretch. The finish is quite sudden, with Shelton catching Jericho off the top rope for a T-bone powerslam and the surprise win. 

Verdict: it’s standard fare that doesn’t get a great deal of time but these two are hugely talented so it’s never going to be less than decent. Right man wins on the night, Benjamin’s so likeable and it’s good to see him this over. **½

Jericho teases a petulant spot as he snatches the belt, but then drapes it over Shelton’s shoulder and gives him a quick handshake. Call me a sap but I always like to see the post-match handshake! 

Edge, Chris Benoit, and Shawn Michaels line up for the next vote, in this case for a title shot against World Heavyweight Champion Triple H. For once it’s Benoit who delivers the best on the mic, a cocky, defiant promo discrediting the champ for relying on his stable to win matches. Edge does a bit of whining and Michaels says some boring babyface stuff while banging on about having a bad knee, which Edge doesn’t buy. 

Coach again polls the audience. They’re really not very interested in Edge, which must be heartbreaking. Benoit probably gets the best pop (he’s only half a year removed from his WrestleMania XX triumph), but Coach insists it’s HBK by a mile. Edge storms off and we’re told he and Benoit will get a tag team title shot later in the night, which sounds like fun. 

Fulfil Your Fantasy Battle Royale 

Here the women (in school uniforms, don’t forget) can be eliminated by going through the ropes rather than over the top. This is Lawler’s time to shine and he’s in absolutely disgraceful form throughout. As Trish enters he says “I want to go back to school. I want to go all the way back to grammar school. Maybe I want to go all the way back to kindergarten.” We see Jazz, Nidia (who was blind for a bit), Gail Kim, Molly Holly, and Victoria. “I’d like to have study hall with her” says Lawler, who's really running out of stuff that’s related in any way to school. Stacy Keibler completes the set. A cameraman positions himself under her skirt as she enters the ring. Lawler shouts “come on, cameraman! Yes! Yes!” 

Nidia and Jazz are slung out quickly, and within two minutes we’ve evicted half the field. Lawler says that the contenders need a paddling from the principal; for whatever reason JR draws a line in the sand there and tells him to rein it in. Keibler holds a high boot to Trish’s throat which the similarly grubby fans lap up. The heels team up on her and eventually chuck her out. It comes down to Trish and Molly, but they’re not given a lot to work with and seconds later, Trish retains her title. 

Verdict: Trish is charismatic as ever and Keibler comes across well battling against the odds but ultimately it’s mad to imagine putting your employees in this position. Trish & Lita would headline Raw later that year. ½*

La Resistance are stuck doing a gimmick wherein they - French Canadians - don’t like America on account of the war in Iraq etc. They cut an anti-USA promo that no one really cares about. The Quebec flag in the background falls over. 

Kane vs Gene Snitsky 

A video package introduces the second seriously grubby match in a row. I don’t think I was watching wrestling back in 2004 but I remember reading about this and maybe even tuning in to see if it was as gross as it sounded. The story so far: Kane forced Lita into marrying him under duress and then impregnated her. She then came to the ring during a match against the then-unknown Gene Snitsky, who accidentally knocked Kane on top of her. She miscarried, the pair were devastated, Kane swore revenge. Snitsky insisted it wasn’t his fault but then also came to the ring with a fake baby which he dropkicked into the crowd. During the video we hear him say (after a Kane death threat) “the only thing that’s dead around here is your baby” and to Lita “your husband’s going to lose his match just like you lost your baby”.

So yes: the babyface in this match is the coercive rapist, and the bad guy has to deliver multiple lines about miscarriage. All there on the network for all to see. 

Coach introduces the voting element: which weapon will be legal, a pipe, a chair, or a chain? It’s very difficult to care. The chain wins. 

Snitsky enters to nil reaction, though there is a sign in the crowd which reads “Baby killer”. His music is so generic. Kane has the version of his theme with the singing. It’s fun to imagine the Kane character commissioning lyrics etc. There’s a tug of war over the chain, which quickly slips out of the ring. I assume this is going to be the story of the match, i.e. precious little actual chain action, but after a while Snitsky starts to whip Kane with it (very lightly, but I appreciate the effort). There’s a half hearted “baby killer” chant, though the fans are more excited when Lita turns up at ringside.

It’s a blood feud in theory but the match plods to put it kindly. They take it in turns to relax in the corner while the other gets in some stomping or clotheslines. Kane does the Undertaker sit up, which is the first thing the fans have been genuinely interested in, but soon there’s a double down as the pair take an ill earned rest. Eventually Snitsky takes control and introduces a chair, which isn’t supposed to be allowed but really who cares at this point. He wraps it around Kane’s throat and jumps on it from the middle rope. Kane chews a blood capsule to a brief “holy shit” chant. Snitsky walks out, then comes back and pins Kane for a dominant win. 

Verdict: the finish is sort of effective but up until then it doesn’t feel the least bit like a blood feud. It’s 15 minutes long but massively lacking in heat. ½* 

The paramedics put Kane on a stretcher and Lita follows it out, a truly odd note given Kane is, in kayfabe, a rapist. Snitsky comes piling back out and knocks the stretcher flying, which is a decent visual. 

Edge cuts another boring promo. He’s got the intensity and big ol’ bug eyes but he’s saying nothing of interest. He states that being world champion is his destiny - he’s not far off being a main eventer but he feels nowhere near it at this point. 

Eric Bischoff vs Eugene

Another unseemly encounter in the form of Raw general manager Eric Bischoff vs his kayfabe nephew and pretend disabled bloke Eugene. The loser of the match will have to partake in a forfeit which the fans will vote on - being servant to the winner for an indeterminate duration, wearing a dress for a month (a month!), or getting their head shaved.

Bischoff strides to the ring in his weird karate gear, throwing a few mock punches. My understanding is he’s really serious about all this. Adults who are well into karate - weird. Eugene gets a good pop. He stomps to the ring with his tongue lolling, waving to the fans. He’d do this on WWE TV for four full years. 

Bischoff slams Eugene’s head on the turnbuckle, then quickly yells “my knee went out”. It’s a trick, though, and he throws a sick karate kick at Eugene. It doesn’t work; Eugene Hulks up, gives Bischoff an airplane spin then the Hogan big boot/leg drop combo for the win.

Verdict: mercifully short. ½* 

The fans vote for Bischoff to get his head shaved but Coach, who’s his lackey,  gets involved. In proper pantomime stuff, he insists that the fans in the building want Bischoff to be Eugene’s servant - for five minutes! The fans play along, to their credit. It’s hitting a third flavour of discreditableness, this show - we’ve had leering, genuinely distasteful, and now just plain naff. Vince McMahon’s music hits and he struts to the ring as the fans pop. His face is extremely red. Vince says the people have spoken and Bischoff’s head will be shaved. Incidentally Bischoff’s hair is dyed boot polish black. 

Vince threatens to fire Bischoff as Raw GM should he flounce off. It goes on and on. He walks off again and the threat just repeats itself. Eventually Eugene gets to shavin’ but as per in wrestling, the clippers do not work at all. Eugene hacks away with scissors. Bischoff hams it up nicely. 

Vince then calls Coach over and eyes up the dress cartoonishly. The fans are really rocking with him and Vince is clearly having a blast. He bellows at Coach to remove his shirt and then his pants. With Vince’s current legal troubles, you’d imagine this is exactly the kind of footage he wished didn’t exist. Coach puts the dress on; midway through, Vince utters the amazing line “button it up, don’t be a slut.” It can’t be easy being his lawyer.

Tag Team Championships: La Resistance vs Edge & Benoit

We start with La Resistance’s Sylvian Grenier singing “Oh Canada” very badly. Their opponents are also Canadian but this isn’t mentioned. Chris Benoit enters, which really brings the unseemly counter to four out of five matches. Edge still has his gothy music, which is way better than the crap rock for which he’s better known. The ring apron also has a keyboard motif and the bit facing the hard camera has PRNT SCRN and Scroll Lock and all those lame-o buttons. Why bother replicating that. 

Edge and Rob Conway start as Lawler bangs on about Coach’s dress and its unflattering nature. The show picks up a gear when Benoit comes in. He works a different level of intensity to anyone else, hitting stinging chops and snap suplexes. Everything he does looks meaningful. Edge comes back in and continues to push the angle that he’s frustrated not to be in the main event. He jaws with the crowd then eventually tags Benoit back in. A flapjack goes a bit wrong; Benoit cheers himself up by pasting his opponent with more chops. 

Another quick tag to Edge. Grenier kips up which is ordinarily a guaranteed pop but no one cares. There’s a pretty long heat spot on Edge as JR tells us that Harley Davidson comes from Milwaukee and they also make a lot of cheese there. A “we want Benoit” chant starts up. He finally gets in. He’s whipped into the corner; he chucks himself like a missile. He’s by far the best thing on the show thus far. Surprisingly La Resistance take control again. You’d assume the point of them is they’re sneaky cowards but they’ve just outwrestled the two would-be world champs. Edge tags in but the ref misses it. In a fit of pique, he storms off. The camera follows him out of the building; luckily his car’s parked right there and he drives away. 

The crowd finally gets properly into the match as Benoit rallies. He launches into a great sequence of German suplexes - the crowd actually count these, way before Brock Lesnar’s accumulation of suplexes became a thing, though he only ever hits two in a row. Finally he gets the crossface on Rob Conway. He makes it look so good, like he’s going to burst his opponent’s head. Conway taps out - Benoit wins the belts single handedly. 

Verdict: the Benoit parts of this were very good, though it’s surprising how dominant La Resistance were for most of this. He brings people up to his level because he moves so fast you’ve got no choice but to match him for intensity. **½ 

Triple H gripes about having to face Shawn Michaels. He says the word “crap” a lot. Taboo Tuesday is crap and Shawn’s knee injury is crap. 

Christy Hemme vs Carmella

Unseemly match number five as the fans are voting whether Christy Hemme and Carmella should have an evening gown match, an “aerobics challenge”, or a lingerie pillow fight. In a video package we see that Christy won the Diva search, and that Carmella is the Playboy playmate of the year. They look virtually identical. Christy kisses Lillian Garcia for some reason. She looks extremely reticent. 

Coach introduces the polling in his dress - Coach is very entertaining on this PPV, which isn’t something you say too often. The fans vote for the lingerie pillow fight. Christy and Carmella go behind some screens to get changed. It’s backlit so that you can see their silhouettes as they saucily undress and redress. Christy does this very well but Carmella’s standing way too close. She never manages to sort it out (and it goes on for ages). 

“Neither of these ladies have had any wrestling training,” JR says. Christy pulls silicone stuffing out of Carmella’s top and lobs it into the crowd. Christy gets shoved over - she’s wearing enormous heels and could easily have broken one or both ankles. The crowd chant “we want puppies” which is as ever obscene stuff. Christy gets the pin almost instantly.

Verdict: neither woman exactly looks like they’re doing it under duress but it’s shameful stuff. In terms of the genuinely grim treatment of female employees, I think we’re about at the nadir but it’s not going to get a whole lot better for 10 years or so. -** 

Lawler mops his brow and says he “experienced some personal growth,” which to be fair is funny.

World Heavyweight Championship: Triple H vs Shawn Michaels

Triple H is positioned right behind some frame from the set dressing for his entrance and the camera just doesn’t bother moving. He gets a fairly lukewarm reception. Michaels gets a much better reaction. He limps down the ramp, doing his usual poses but with a busted knee. He’s got crucifix chaps on which you don’t see every day. His trunks are fantastic - red numbers with white and red striped hearts on them. It’s wild to think these two boys now basically run WWE. 

For a guy whose psychology was criticised in his younger days, Michaels’ storytelling is spotless here. He trades punches with Triple H but always stays within grabbing distance of the ropes for balance. HHH manages to whack Michaels’ knee and you get a sinking feeling as this is obviously going to be the entirety of the match. It can’t not be built around the knee, obviously, but you fear you’re in for a slog at this point. 

Michaels fights back a few times but eventually gets caught in the figure four (though on the other knee - whoops). HBK acts for his life here, pleading with referee Mike Chioda not to throw the match out. I think he’s trying to make Chioda laugh. This is pure wrestling minimalism, it’s brilliant. Michaels just gurgles and barks and the crowd are so with him. He finally makes it to the ropes. HHH continues his assault, taking it to the outside. Michaels finally gets some momentum as he uses his leg to drag Triple H into the ring post, then hits three atomic drops on his bad knee. 

It’s just lovely stuff from Shawn. He hits a low blow, then a DDT while using the referee as a crutch, which is fantastic. An appropriately scrappy elbow drop follows. Batista tries to interfere but HBK fights him off and hits Sweet Chin Music on HHH. The crowd is well into it by now, Unfortunately Edge returns from his tantrum and hits a spear on Michaels. He disappears while shouting “it should have been me.” Triple H steals the pin and retains.

Verdict: surprisingly great fun. It’s predictable stuff but Michaels’ ridiculously hammy performance and the hope spots at the end, plus the crowd coming to life, makes this a blast. Not too keen on the finish but the details Michaels dots throughout elevate it. ***½

Bischoff skulks around backstage with his now-shaved, grey head. He demands members of the crew stop laughing at him or they’re fired but none of them are really selling the concept, they just stand around with blank faces. JR and Lawler mock Bischoff’s hair. It’s just a crew cut, it suits him quite well. 

Ric Flair vs Randy Orton

For the final time the fans will vote: will the former Evolution stablemates lock up in a falls count anywhere, submissions, or steel cage match? The video gets the concept over nicely - Randy Orton is on the climb as “The Legend Killer”, a great gimmick. He disparages Flair as a has-been who hides behind his pals, bringing out the dog in the Nature Boy. The two clearly like each other a lot and are working hard for their opponent’s cause. 

The steel cage wins the public vote by a landslide. Ric Flair enters to a particularly bad version of “Also Sprach Zarathustra”. He’s not got a great robe on either, it’s unusually wizard-like. He’s in decent shape, though. It’s amazing his hair stuck around as long as it did to say he must have bleached it incessantly for 50 plus years. Orton enters doing his daft pose. 

A pacy start, with Flair chopping his way out of the corner and pulling out his dirty tricks - eye pokes, low blows - and plenty more chops. Lawler tells us that Orton was on Jimmy Kimmel’s show slagging off Ric Flair. Orton and Flair are busted open in short order - you’d think they’d have done that in the chain match if blood was fair game during this era. Lawler makes a lot of references to how handsome Orton is. JR mentions that the cage match got 68% of the vote and says that neither John Kerry nor George Bush will get such a majority in the upcoming election. Lawler mutters “well Bush should but I don’t know if he will…”

The cameras are struggling to get through the cage bars but we see Orton’s crimson mask. More importantly we see the entirety of Ric Flair’s arse as his trunks are pulled down while he tries to escape the cage. It’s out for a long old time which Flair would have been thrilled with. There’s so much more heat in this one than in the Snitsky/Kane match without recourse to infanticide. It doesn’t need to be that difficult. Flair’s battered and bruised by this point. He limply kicks out of a back breaker and screams in pain as he’s dragged by the leg - it’s a distraction technique, though, and he pulls some brass knuckles from his trunks. He nails Orton but it’s just a two. 

Flair goes for the cage escape once more. He’s dragged back in but brings a chair with him. He misses his swing and Orton hits the RKO for the win. 

Verdict: a few beats short of great but there’s loads to enjoy. The right result, both are there to work and Flair looks terrific in the loss. ***½ 

JR says it’s one of the most memorable nights in his career which is a mad thing to say. Flair gets back up (a bit quickly). He’s a bloody mess, a right bellowing horror. He goes for a handshake while screaming still, then raises Orton’s hand and hugs him. It’s a nice touch, that. 2004 had been a banner year for Randy but the run as champ was a bit of a disaster and this kind of stuff surely helps pick you back up. 

Final thoughts: about what you’d expect for a D tier PPV. A lot of it is genuinely awful and predicated on horrible ideas. Nothing’s fantastic but the final two matches are well worth checking out and the IC and tag matches are perfectly fine.

Grade: C-