Network PPV Reviews #003: Starrcade 1991

Combing through the WWE Network one Pay Per View at a time

29/12/1991 - WCW’s flagship event comes from the Norfolk Scope in Virginia. A lightning fast introduction sets the scene - teams of two will be picked at random to face off, with the winners going on to the Battle Bowl, an unnecessarily complex battle royale of sorts that we’ll come to in due course. The winner gets a ring or something. An impossibly young Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone introduce the show before a lively crowd. 

As Eric Bischoff, Missy Hyatt, and Magnum TA show off the shonky old tombola, we see the stars line up like action figures on a set of steps. You don’t see that every day. For some reason, TA pulls the names from the tombola and passes them to Hyatt, who in turn passes them to Bischoff. We’re given Michael PS Hayes and Tracy Smothers against Marcus Bagwell and Jimmy Garvin. Hayes and Garvin are part of the Freebirds which is your first indication the fix is in as far as the tombola goes. 

Michael PS Hayes & Tracy Smothers vs Marcus Bagwell & Jimmy Garvin

Bagwell and Smothers start us off. Bagwell looks like Ben Affleck. He has MARCUS written on his trunks which is crap. A few arm drags and some shoving. “Lot of talking going on” says Tony. Quickly the life goes out of the crowd. They trade some locks before Smothers finally picks up the pace with some big arm drags and dropkicks. He clowns around indignantly - he’s good fun. Smothers demands Garvin is tagged in. He offers Garvin a handshake but Garvin sees through the ruse and hits an atomic drop which sends Smothers spilling to the outside. 

Bagwell tags in, doesn’t do much of interest, and tags back out. Finally Smothers tags for Hayes and we get the Freebirds stand off, which is surely the whole point of this thing. They shake hands and lock up. They strut around. They pose a bit. They repeat this. There’s a few headlocks and a bit of mat wrestling, then both men bow to the crowd and tag out. They really didn’t work very hard here. For the big finish, Bagwell cheap shots Hayes, who knocks out the youngster and then Garvin for good measure. The Freebirds argue for a bit - Smothers comes flying off the top but is caught with a fisherman’s suplex from Bagwell for the three. The Freebirds immediately make up. 

Verdict: the older guys, particularly Smothers, have a lot of charisma, but there’s a hell of a lot of fucking around in this match, and the crowd isn’t  particularly interested. **

We’re back to the tombola with a dual shot of the two dressing rooms. Steve Austin’s there with Paul E Dangerously, who dances around. Austin is paired with Rick Rude against Van Hammer and Big Josh. Two of these are legendary stars, two of them aren’t (though Big Josh would go on to portray Doink The Clown and generally be problematic). Austin has some cracking colourful shorts. Josh appears to be wearing proper jeans (rather than the Orange Cassidy style leggings that look like jeans). 

Steve Austin & Rick Rude vs Van Hammer & Big Josh

Austin and Hammer start off. Hammer shows off his strength, shoving Austin around and hitting a scoop slam, but Austin soon takes control. His brawling is supplemented with impressive technical skill here, catching Hammer with a drop toe hold. Rick Rude comes in - everything he does looks cracking. The heel team exchanges quick tags, presumably building to a hot tag to Big Josh, which doesn’t sound the most exciting prospect in the world. When it finally happens, the crowd’s not too interested. There’s a great spot in which Josh stomps on Rude’s stomach, but his abdominal strength is so incredible that it doesn’t affect him. Austin comes back in and clonks his foes’ heads together as the crowd livens up. Meanwhile Dangerously chats away at ringside on his enormous phone. He’s such good fun all the time. 

Austin and Josh do some fairly dull limb mat work which continues when Hammer comes back in. The big man is the greenest participant by some way and, indeed, the weak link. Rude comes back in, as does Josh. Rude gives the impression he’s really considering where to land each strike. He’s so good. They do some heelish double teaming, choking Josh on the ropes. Dangerously causes a distraction for further double teaming - Rude even claps to pretend a tag has been made. It’s impeccable stuff on his end. Dangerously holds Big Josh in place to set up a knee strike, but Josh ducks out of the way and the future Paul Heyman takes a bump. It’s all for nought, though. One Rude Awakening later, it’s over. 

Verdict: There’s  a fair bit to enjoy here, mainly in the behaviour of Rick Rude, whose every action seems considered and logical. **½ 

Back to the tombola again. Magnum startles Bischoff with his gusto. Dustin Rhodes is pulled out to a big pop. He’s teamed with Richard Morton against Larry Zbyszko and - oh boy - El Gigante. 

Dustin Rhodes & Ricky Morton vs Larry Zbyszko & El Gigante

El Gigante gets a pop too - he’s some spectacle, to give him his due. He’s also surprisingly handsome. Ross keeps going on about how Gigante doesn’t speak too much English. Rhodes and Zbyszko go through some standard arm drags etc before picking up the pace. Morton and Gigante are tagged in. Morton does a nice comedy cowardly bit and tags straight back out. Rhodes really is the prototype for his brother in 2024, a super pure blond babyface. He’s not cowed by Gigante but his offence has no effect. Gigante scoop slams Rhodes then slaps on an arm lock. Why? Just let him do all the big man stuff. 

Zbyszko comes in and tries to engineer some double team action with Gigante. Gigante, who as you’ll remember doesn’t speak much English, doesn’t understand. Zbyszko gets fed up and slaps Gigante, who quite impressively lifts Larry up by his head and throws him into the path of a double dropkick from Morton and Rhodes. That’s the three. Gigante shakes Dustin’s hand and gives him a little hug. 

Verdict: Presumably this was the absolute limit Gigante could actually do. It’s barely a match, the other three guys you’d imagine could have done something more interesting. *½ 

Back to the tombola. It’s getting awfully repetitive at this point and we’re not even 40% through. Bill Kazmaier comes out of the hat. Now we’re fucking talking. I’ve seen this guy emcee a strongman event and he’s really weird. He’s alongside Jushin Liger - strange bedfellows to say the least. DDP and nepo baby Mike Graham make up the other team.

Bill Kazmaier & Jushin Liger vs Diamond Dallas Page & Mike Graham

Graham and Liger start us off. Graham’s tiny. Liger’s karate kicks wake the crowd up while Tony muses about Liger’s English and, for that matter, Kazmaier’s Japanese. Graham’s not doing a lot to sell Liger’s offence and scouts further karate kicks which looks a bit crap. Kazmaier enters and launches Graham, who again doesn’t sell the move in a satisfying manner. DDP tags in. He fails to lift the hefty strongman but eventually bungs Kazmaier out of the ring - he skins the cat! I’ll be damned. Kazmaier shows off his agility with a long leap across the ring. Page is a long way off the peak of his powers. He slaps a chinlock on Kazmaier, who sells it. Kazmaier tags out having been dominated by DDP. I wonder if he got taken advantage of in the wrestling business.

It’s down to Liger once again to energise the crowd, which he does through more spinning kicks and a slingshot splash. We wind up with Kazmaier and Graham which you don’t want to see. Like El Gigante before him, Kaz forgets that he’s really big and puts on a wristlock. DDP comes back in. He calls a shot at the top of his voice. More fucking wristlocks. Finally Liger comes back in to do some mat wrestling with Graham. He locks in the surfboard. Graham wriggles out and slaps on a Boston Crab. “That’s an American move,” Ross tells us. They exchange some nice counters, again fairly basic stuff - headlock takeovers and head scissors are one of the plats du jour on this show, but it’s crisp with a nice sequence of pins. When DDP and Kazmaier take over, we’re back to the interminable wristlocks and Page being unable to knock down the larger man. We’ve seen this already. 

At long last Liger returns with Graham. The masked man launches some quick kicks which the crowd really goes for. “The quickest kicks I’ve ever seen in my life from a human,” Tony says, which leaves you to wonder what creature he’s seen kick faster. In the home stretch, Liger launches himself over the ropes with a front flip to the delight of the crowd and Jim Ross. He’s lightyears ahead of everyone else. He sportingly allows Graham to get back to his feet then suplexes him over the ropes and hits a backbreaker and a moonsault. Page breaks the count. Everyone brawls a bit, then Kazmaier throws Liger onto DDP for the pin.

Verdict: It’s not good per se but the sheer weirdness of Kaz & Liger is fun. Liger himself is fantastic. **½ 

An ad for SuperBrawl ‘92 plays. It’s the magnitude of the Super Bowl and World Series, apparently (in fairness the show does include a legendary match between Brian Pillman and Liger). Then it’s back to the tombola once again. They’ve upped the pace on this a tad. 

Lex Luger & Arn Anderson vs Terry Taylor & Tom Zenk

This has promise. Zenk and Arn start off. Arn bumps like crazy for an enziguri. Luger, who’s the champion, takes over. Zenk keeps going with a hip toss and dropkick; when Taylor comes back in, we’re quickly back onto the wrist locks. If you like wrist locks, this is the show for you. Luger with a press slam and a pose which gets a mixed response. Harley Race prowls around in his capacity as Lex Luger’s pal. Luger elbows Taylor to the outside but Terry slingshots back in and goes for a sunset flip. Luger resists the pinfall attempt with some funny faces. Arn enters and rakes Taylor along the ropes. Schiavone says Luger’s resilience is “a bone in his hat,” which Ross then won’t let drop. 

Arn comes in and takes a Vader bomb from Taylor. Z Man Tom Zenk’s back, working at real pace, but Harley trips him on the outside. He’s planted with a DDT from Arn, who exchanges quick tags with Luger, classic heel stuff. Zenk hits a face buster for a hope spot but Luger prevents the tag. The heels continue to punish poor old Zenk while JR bores on about football on the comms. Finally Taylor gets the tag from Zenk - it’s the first effective hot tag on the show and he displays his own strength and athleticism with an atomic drop and a cross body in quick succession. Luger finally hits a piledriver for the pin.

Verdict: Easily the best match so far. Logical and well worked, the heels are great fun and the two younger lads get plenty of stuff in.  ***

We’re only halfway through this fucking tournament. We recap who’s in so far, then go back to the tombola. Something goes a bit wrong here because Bischoff says he wants to keep one participant a secret, and another choice prompts the comment “I think that’s a shoot” from Missy Hyatt.

Ricky Steamboat & Todd Champion vs Cactus Jack & Buddy Lee Parker

You can see Parker getting up off his seat ahead of time. Abdullah the Butcher has a tantrum because he wanted to partner with Cactus Jack. He smashes a broom over Parker’s back. Abdullah follows Jack to the ring but is sent away by the refs. When Parker emerges, Abbie cracks him over the head incredibly hard with his weird staff. Steamboat and Jack start up. It’s a funny old contrast. Jack screams like a maniac while Steamboat shows off his athleticism. The two brawl on the outside. Jack’s got some pretty cool clothes on. 

Todd Champion tags in as Parker crawls towards the ring. Champion goes for a bearhug; Jack rakes the eyes and chucks him outside so he can do his Cactus Elbow. I think that’s famously a really painful move to perform over and over. Parker crawls into the second ring. Cactus tries to tag in his battered partner, then loses his patience and hip tosses him in. Steamboat immediately hits a picture perfect powerslam and crossbody for the 3.

Verdict: It’s another nothing match but Steamboat looks great for the little he does and Mick Foley’s always welcome around these parts.  *

Back to the tombola, which is now getting booed every time. There’s nil razzle dazzle to it.

Sting & Abdullah The Butcher vs Brian Pillman & Bobby Eaton

The crowd goes wild for Sting. Abdullah feigns joy to be teamed with the big blond lad, but it’s a ruse - Abbie’s been hired by Luger to batter Sting, and does so on the ramp. The sportsmanlike Pillman breaks it up but Eaton, part of the Dangerous Alliance, keeps it going, working Sting’s leg on the ramp. It’s good fun. Finally they get into the ring. Sting’s facepaint is already half gone. He’s so over. Eaton slaps on a chinlock, then Abdullah stabs Sting with a pencil which per JR is “sharp as the dickens”. Pillman continues to fight for righteousness and impressively bodyslams the enormous Abdullah.

Pillman refuses to tag in so Eaton tries Abbie, but obviously that’s not allowed. Abdullah’s basically spent but does some very funny sneaking around. Here’s Cactus Jack - he tries to smash Sting’s head in but our hero ducks and Jack clocks Abdullah instead. Sting his a crossbody on Eaton - i.e. exactly the same finish as the last match - for the win.

Verdict: Total nonsense but the pace is great and it’s got some real star power. **

Now Cactus and Abdullah have fallen out. They’re brawling way into the stage area..

Rick Steiner & Night Stalker vs Vader & Mr Hughes

Night Stalker is in for an injured Diamond Stud (Scott Hall) who’s still been made to come into work. There’s one great worker and one poor one on each team. Vader’s still Van Vader at this point - it seems ill advised to have Vans Hammer and Vader. Steiner vs Vader is great fun. They’re laying into each other as you’d expect. Steiner in particular shines with a belly to belly on Vader before clotheslining him over the top and brawling on the outside. He just about manages to suplex Vader back into the ring. Mr Hughes is tagged in - he has sunglasses on plus a belt and braces. Hughes stomps Steiner for a bit but eats a big German suplex. Stalker comes in and it all falls apart. He tries a piss poor clothesline off the top. Vader quite roughly squashes the bloke and that’s your lot. 

Verdict: Rick Steiner is on fire here and it whets the appetite for him and Vader one on one. Goes quite spectacularly wrong at the end. **

Scott Steiner & Firebreaker Chip vs Johnny Be Badd & Arachnaman

Talk about strange bedfellows. The company would get in trouble for Arachnaman pretty quickly, a Marvel cease and desist soon putting paid. Badd and Chip start off with some fast fundamentals, dropdowns and leapfrogs etc. Badd shows off his genuine boxing skills. Chip sells pretty nicely, then we revert to the good old wrist locks. The crowd comes alive when Arachnaman and, more to the point, Scott Steiner come in. He catches the spider bloke with a slam, huge backdrop, and a clothesline to the outside. Tony tells us Arachnaman is from “web city”. Johnny tags in but Scott won’t let him do much and bullies him around a bit. 

Chip and Arachnaman switch in to do some fast paced stuff but we’re soon back to the bigger lads. A Steinerline and powerbomb from Steiner, who’s not the least bit interested in putting anyone else over. There’s some unnecessary stuff about tagging the wrong man; finally Steiner catches Arachnaman off the top for a belly to belly suplex and the 3. 

Verdict: A well worked match, especially considering neither pairing makes any sense. The onus is obviously on getting Steiner over; he looks great but it’s a mistake to put this match on after we’ve just seen his brother do the same stuff to a much larger man. **½ 

Ron Simmons & Thomas Rich vs Steve Armstrong & PN News

News does the “who, me?” point, which is stupid because he’s literally the last man out of the hat. Simmons, who’s very over, lifts Armstrong straight up, then hits a football tackle. Rich and armstrong tangle a bit before News comes in. Rich can’t lift News as he’s immense. The crowd only wants to see Simmons, so we get him. He and PN News are pals, apparently. They grapple with a clean break. They lock up again - this time News gets the better of him and hits an avalanche in the corner. When Rich and Armstrong tag in, Rich chokes his foe with wrist tape. Armstrong returns the favour. Meanwhile Simmons and News fall out for some reason. It doesn’t really make the Battle Bowl seem a prize worth winning when everyone’s willing to fuck it off to get one over on a personal rival. 

Armstrong drops the knee on Rich before News returns. The fans only want to see Simmons. There’s a heat spot on Rich, which actually makes sense. It feels like there’s a bit of time to kill here because they stretch this segment out for a long time, Rich takes a battering before Simmons finally gets the tag. A powerslam for Armstrong and an impressive scoop slam on News before a spinebuster wins it. 

Verdict: perfectly competent stuff which never really got going any more than that, but the fact the crowd was actually hot for Simmons made a difference. **

Jim Ross says they’ve been keeping score as we go along. He holds up a pretty battered yellow legal pad but doesn’t go into it any further. I’ve not got my head around how this Battle Bowl works. Ross goes back to his legal pad. He’s written down the people in the match and their weights. This is low rent stuff. Lots of folk are gunning for Sting is the long and short of it.

The Battle Bowl

We go through the rules once more which are needlessly complicated and played under music that’s far too loud. Everyone starts in ring one. Get chucked out of that into ring two and you’re into the standard over the top battle royale format. Get chucked out again and you’re gone. The last two then have a normal match. It’s way too complicated. Everyone makes their way back down to the ring. Steamboat does a nice little wave to the camera. He’s a cutie. 

It all kicks off. Sting and Vader grapple, Arn and Steamboat fight on the ramp. Kazmaier’s launched over the top. Jim says he’s got to go to the second ring but he doesn’t. Jim sounds annoyed already. Punches and kicks are about all anyone can do due to overcrowding. Todd Champion’s trunks are blue and red with an eagle on them, so he looks like a Crystal Palace fan. At last Rich is thrown to the second ring. No one else is there so he just kicks about. Sting tees off on Luger. The fans love it. You could’ve just had that match instead. Bagwell makes his way to the second ring. Liger and Ricky Morton wind up in ring two. Really you just want to be seeing what Liger’s up to. Liger hits an asai moonsault on Morton. They seem like they’re having a lot of fun together so it’s a shame when they’re quickly sent packing. Steamboat and Arn are into the second ring - again I’d rather see that match.

I’m keeping an eye on Bill Kazmaier but he’s doing fuck all. The first ring’s numbers dwindle. Sting and Rick Rude tee off on each other and again the fans love it. Just book that match instead. Luger and Vader are the last participants in ring one. Vader’s sent packing to ring two so Luger gets a breather. There’s a pointless three angle shot so we can see what everyone’s up to in lovely lo res. Austin and Rude team up and we’re finally given those two against Sting and Steamboat. Just book that match! Rude accidentally knocks Austin out before being dumped by Steamboat. He’s a sore loser, though, and eliminates the Dragon before hitting the Rude Awakening on Sting. Ross has a go at the security staff for not preventing it but it all happened very quickly to be fair. 

Luger prowls around a bit. I think he’s waiting out a contract here so he’s not too interested in doing much. He knocks Sting around then finally adds a bit of character with some taunting. He chats to Harley Race a bit and enrages the crowd by dragging Sting’s eyes along the ropes. On the outside, Harley tries to get a wallop in but Sting scoop slams him. It looks fantastic with Harley’s big suit. There’s a tiny baby in the front row. The commentary desk is almost flush with the ring.

The crowd goes wild as Sting stomps Luger into the mat. There’s a chap swinging a rubber chicken or similar around his head. Harley comes into the ring and takes a suplex. Harley’s probably the third or fourth best thing on this show. A Stinger Splash nearly sends Sting over the top. Luger celebrates prematurely. Sting comes back in to quite slowly evict Lex. Bit of a limp ending but obviously the right winner.

Verdict: The early goings of this match were baffling and didn’t convey the rules very well. Once we’re in the second ring it comes together, the final four made sense and Sting/Luger’s stand off is decent. **½

Sting does his screech. The sheer fact he’s still able to do that 30 years later is impressive. Tony and Jim chat a bit. That’s how we end it. We get full credits, which is fun to see on a wrestling show. 

Verdict: Not a good show at all and for obvious reasons. The Lethal Lottery is stupid and the Battle Bowl is way too complicated. Some great talent, mostly going to waste. The Arn & Luger match is worth a watch and Rick Rude, Jushin Liger, and Sting certainly shine. D+