Network PPV Reviews #007: ECW Hardcore Heaven 1996

Combing the WWE network one Pay Per View at a time 

22/06/1996 - I’ve seen some choice ECW matches and clips but I think this might be my first non-WWE ECW pay per view, and we start in appropriately slapdash fashion with some terrible looking credits. I assume there’s tape missing or the editor just couldn’t be bothered stitching this together when it came to the network because we jump right in with an  incredibly harsh cut to the ring, where some dweeb’s trying to hype the crowd to no avail. The Sandman charges to the ring and whacks the twerp with his signature kendo stick. He does his beer schtick, draining a can and smacking it off his head. “This guy’s a piece of shit!” Sandman says of the downed loser. The crowd compels him to lay in a few shots. 

Sandman has a haircut that’s rolled back around to being modern; he could be in King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard. He calls for some bloke in a tux to come into the ring. The crowd goes wild. It turns out his name’s Bob Artese. Sandman says Artese can either be the ring announcer for the night or get battered. He chooses the former. Missy Hyatt’s there too. She gives Bob a kiss. Another hard cut. 

Shane Douglas vs Mikey Whipwreck

Douglas is one of those mega bitter dudes these days. He’s in decent nick and has a tan, which sets the usually bland performer apart in this company. I think at this stage he’s helped establish this form of ECW, left for WWE, and come back in like three years. I know Whipwreck as one of the most beloved scrappy underdogs in the company. We get our first good shots of the fantastic crowd. They’re almost exclusively just weird blokes, a few muscleheads but mainly assorted weirdos. 

Shane offers a handshake. Mikey’s suspicious but nothing heelish occurs. Shane looks like Ronald Koeman. Whipwreck puts in some nice technical stuff, but Shane overpowers him in short order. Mikey’s selling is really good, and he puts over the hope spots well; he can just about overpower Shane on his day, but Douglas is the bigger man and continually slows things down. There’s a cameraman who looks exactly like John Goodman in The Big Lebowski, which wouldn’t come out for another year. An impressive stalling suplex from Douglas, who draws heat with a bow to the crowd. Shane works over Whipwreck’s knee and lower back a bit, but his cockiness finally gets the better of him and he’s chucked outside.

Whipwreck dumps Shane into the crowd, then pops back into the ring. He hits a huge senton onto Shane, who’s propped up on the folding chairs in the audience. There’s a dude in a sweet Grateful Dead vest. It looks so hot in this place. Mikey hits an elbow over the guard rail, then a slingshot blockbuster back in the ring for a near fall. Mikey tries to keep the pace up but Shane catches him mid-dropkick and locks in the Figure Four. Whipwreck eventually rakes Shane’s eye to get out of it. Shane hits the ref for no reason.  Mikey tries to Irish whip Shane but his legs give out. He makes it to the top, though, and hits a dropkick for a two. Another whip’s reversed but this time Mikey snatches a DDT for a near fall. Finally we get a few suplex reversals, and eventually Shane hits a belly to belly for the win.  

Verdict: The ending’s quite sudden but the match is good, pacy fun. Very impressed that Whipwreck is only 20 here, and Shane’s crowd work is on point. ***

Another super hard cut and Joey Styles is in the ring. Loud EC DUB chants as he introduces Baron Von Stevie (Stevie Richards doing a fitfully amusing Fritz Von Erich) and Bluedust (the Blue Meanie dressed up as Goldust, complete with some lady being Marlena). Stevie blathers on while Meanie does the Dustin Rhodes mannerisms and Styles, who really doesn’t need to be there, acts disgusted. Stevie says that Raven, who’s the world champion, is going to bring out the most disgusting, slimiest woman to show to society. I’m looking forward to that, I must say. The mic’s too quiet for Meanie, who’s not shouting at the top of his voice. He suggests he’s going to suck Styles off for some reason. Richards tries to get the iron claw on Joey, who shrugs it off and leaves. Stevie parades around with the claw a bit more. No one really goes for it. He rides Meanie to the back and that’s your lot. 

The Full Blooded Italians  vs Big Dick Dudley & Buh Buh Ray Dudley

We get the best sense yet of how close the crowd are as the FBI enter. These guys - Little Guido and JT Smith - are in good nick, but the latter’s not one of the great talkers. “I got another goombah in the back,” he slurs. Someone in the crowd very clearly shouts “fuck you!” Sal Bolomo comes out, dressed as a Roman. He gabbles a bit before the Dudleys come out. I’ve never quite been sure what their ECW gimmick was: weird cult or hill people or some such. Buh Buh Ray is enormous. He gets on the mic. He slags off D-Von, who’s a heel at this point. He sings “Fly Me To The Moon”. I think he has a kayfabe speech impediment or something. This is unbearable stuff. Finally he says “thou shall not fuck with the Dudleys”, and attacks. 

Big Dick and Buh Buh squash the FBI, who sell their socks off for them. Dick hits a great lariat on Smith. Buh Buh starts in with the chair. Outside he hits a gnarly looking splash on Smith against the railing. He tries to get Big Dick involved in some double team stuff but his partner’s not paying attention. Buh Buh snatches a fan’s hat and puts it on. The fan looks annoyed; the crowd chant “where’s your hat,” then after they get bored of that “on his head”. Fun! Big Dick no-sells the first of many stiff chair shots. Dick struggles to power Sal into the barrier, a combo of the old timer’s weight and Dick’s presumably scrambled brains. 

As the match really falls apart, D-Von appears. He thwacks the FBI with a chair - only Guido seems interested in getting his hands up (perhaps not coincidentally, he might be the only one still working). That’s the DQ for some reason. D-Von gets on the mic and does some swearing. “Fuck Big Dick” he says. He tells the crowd to shut the fuck up too. He wallops the rest of his erstwhile family members with the chair and challenges the crowd to fight him before storming out. He delivers an angry promo outside the arena (which just looks like a tinderbox, it’s fantastic) before hoping in a waiting motor and leaving. 

Verdict: Rating the preceding as a whole, a lot of that was so bad and boring. The match itself was tolerable, the D-Von stuff I’m sure is more interesting if you’d followed the week to week, but he sells it well. The pre-match stuff was just terrible. *½  

Taz vs Paul Varelans

Taz takes to the ring with Bill Alfonso, who looks like a gross little Billy Bob Thornton, and Team Taz (Shane Douglas, The Eliminators of Perry Saturn and John Kronus, and RVD, all of whom we’ve seen or will see later). The commentators tell us that Taz is “sporting a new robe” for the event. It’s just a normal robe. Paul Varelans is “the Alaskan polar bear”. He’s a genuine UFC guy. I think all that UFC stuff is still super new and small time at this point. 

Taz takes Varelans down. Varelans rolls out. Taz grabs a leg. There’s a rope break. Taz hooks a leg again but Varelans gets the upper hand. They roll around a bit. They basically repeat all this. We get a very explicit shot of Taz’s cock. A muted “UFC” chant. Varelans with some really awful worked kicks. When the ref’s not looking, Perry Saturn pounces on Paul from the top. Taz hits a t-bone suplex and locks in the Tazmission. Varelans is out. 

Verdict: Just awful stuff. They booked themselves into a corner and the result is wholly unsatisfying. There’s an enjoyably grubby story about Varelans being convinced to take the L here. ½*.

Taz gets on the mic. The crowd chant “bullshit” - it’s not exactly clear what they’re pissed off about, surely no one wanted that to go longer. Taz agrees it’s bullshit a la Sting. He tells the crowds to shut their fucking mouths. Then there’s another really hard cut. Next thing you know, ECW World Heavyweight Champion Raven is out with Stevie Richards and some dork. Stevie’s on the mic again while Raven sits in the corner. In fairness, Raven has about as good an aura as anyone at this time in wrestling. He actually feels of the moment (or at worst like two years behind) in his grunge/rocker gear. Stevie reiterates what he was on about before vis. finding the dirtiest, slimiest, ugliest [bleeped word - whore, I think]. 

He summons Sandman’s ex-wife to the ring. She drops to her knees in front of Raven, who’s a cult leader and is quasi-messianic, I think. It’s a bit much. Hard to see this stuff making the jump to Netflix. Sandman storms to the ring with his current wife (I think the ex-wife is kayfabe, current wife shoot, though she’d in due course become an ex-wife and all). He says he’s already pimped his ex wife out to the whole locker room, adding “when you’re done with her, pay your fucking bill.” That fuck gets bleeped. Then there’s another smash cut, so that could have been snipped out very easily. 

Joey Styles hypes that we’re going to get to see someone from Japan. Terry Gordy marches out. Bit of a liberty, that one. He did a lot of work in Japan, but if Joey’s being honest, we were within our rights to expect a Japanese person here. Anyway the crowd’s pretty interested. Gordy’s battle scarred and ready; he prowls while Raven sits. 

ECW World Heavyweight Championship - Raven (c) vs Terry Gordy

Gordy’s straight on the offence, laying in stiff stuff. He must he in his 40s but he looks the part, genuinely tough. They’re straight into the crowd as Gordy stalks Raven and batters him with a chair. They’re in a sea of bodies; the camera just can’t pick them out. Raven has colour when we finally do find them. A fan passes Terry a chair and he uses it twice, in sickeningly stiff fashion. He does likewise with a frying pan. Raven thankfully starts to protect himself. They spill through another part of the crowd, with fans clambering onto bleachers to get out of the way. The kids in the auditorium are loving it and so am I. 

The tide finally turns when Stevie hops in the ring to superkick Gordy. Terry no sells it, but Raven hits a low blow. There’s a Kevin Smith lookalike in the front row. Raven wraps barbed wire around his arm for a clothesline, but Gordy dodges it and fixes the champ with a Samoan spike-style submission. Raven’s two drippy mates can’t break the hold. Dreamer enters to get rid of those dickheads. Brian Lee (aka The UnderFaker) chokeslams Dreamer, then eats a powerbomb from Gordy. Terry wraps the barbed wire around Raven’s head and bashes it into the corner to huge EC Dub chants. The ref decides this is where he draws the line for some reason, so Gordy hits him. In all the madness he takes another superkick then a DDT from Raven for the three.  

Verdict: Absolutely ridiculous and a total mess but fucking hell that was fun. The crowd lifts this immensely. ****

Dreamer then DDTs Raven and takes another chokeslam from Lee. A heel beatdown is finally broken up by Sandman. Raven does his Christ pose. “You want me, come get me, but go through your son,” he shouts. “Your son Tyler!” He’s indoctrinated Sandman’s son Tyler. “Daddy, you’re drunk, now I worship Raven!” Tyler says. Raven says something about Dreamer having unprotected sex with a woman but failing to impregnate her. There’s a ridiculous amount going on here. The crowd seem to be across it, or at any rate they’re invested. The sight of Raven dragging around this boy and woman is quite something. Sandman - whose acting is a cut above - walks off howling. The crowd gives Terry Gordy his flowers - he just came for the match and isn’t involved in all this stupid shit. Bluedust comes back. “Raven has left the building,” he says (so we’re doing Elvis stuff now too). Tommy Dreamer’s wife Beulah McGillicutty hits Bluedust with a DDT, which he sells beautifully. “She’s hardcore!” the crowd chant. I like it! 

Tag Team Titles: The Eliminators (c) vs The Gangstas

This should be good in theory. The Eliminators have an incredibly bland theme. The Gangstas (Jew Jack and Mustafa Saed) are jumped by, of all people, the Samoan Gangsta Party. The Gangstas quickly get the upper hand. Then, the Bruise Brothers attack. To say this company was constantly in a financial pickle, they’re employing a lot of people. The comms don’t explain any of this, i.e. why this lot are behaving so badly. One of the Samoans is the late Rosey, Roman Reigns’ brother. New Jack is bleeding buckets as the Brothers see off the Gangstas. “Don’t think you did us a fuckin’ favour” says Perry Saturn, who then challenges the Bruise Brothers to take the title shot instead. OK. 

Tag Team Titles: The Eliminators (c) vs The Bruise Brothers

The oft-underrated Saturn hits a nice dropkick and a big elbow from the top. He and his Bruise Brother spill outside; Kronus and the other Bruise Brother soon follow (the commentators refer to “one of the Bruise Brothers”, so I will too). The Eliminators are thrown one at a time at but not through tables. Saturn vaults the rail and kicks a Brother in the process - nice. At last, Kronus is able to break a table. The Bros do some boring grappling and some big boots. Saturn fights back but misses a moonsault - he’s a real cut above the rest. Suddenly a bin is chucked into the ring. It’s the Gangstas! They open up on everyone. 

Tag Team Titles: The Eliminators (c) vs The Gangstas vs The Bruise Brothers?

New Jack whacks the bin on Saturn’s head. Mustafa Saed is in as good shape as anyone in the company. They whoop everyone, most notably Jack whaling on Kronus’ already bleeding head in fiendish fashion. New Jack looks around for a bit, not sure what to do next. Saed stands alone in the ring as the Bruise Brothers leave. The Gangstas music starts up (note: not the Dre & Cube one, the much maligned WWE original, though I don’t think it’s too bad). 

Verdict: it’s not really a match, but it’s fun enough. Perry Saturn and the Gangstas come across well. It just seems like they didn’t really know what to do with these lads so defaulted to A Load Of Nonsense. **

Axl Rotten & Hack Myers vs Samoan Gangsta Party 

Axl and Hack screw around in the ring for a bit. They swear at the cameras and do bunny ears. Some of the fans chant “who gives a fuck” at the Samoans, which isn’t nice. They do the bit where the Samoans get headbutted but it hurts the aggressor: “these two inherited the thick skulls of their fathers” says one of the commentators. Rosey gets a “Yokozuna” chant, which is meant to insult his weight but then they are cousins so it’s not a huge diss. Hack Myers’ gimmick appears to be that the fans chant “shah!” as he strikes. There’s a fun bit where they do this as he works over the Samoans but then takes a double headbutt, at which they chant “shit!” The Gangstas’ music starts and they pop back in, as do The Eliminators, as to The Bruise Brothers. The locker room empties and everyone knocks each other around pointlessly for a while. The crowd are sort of into it, but I think they’re just happy they have a chance to chuck garbage into the ring. 

Verdict: Between this and the last sequence of non-matches, it does feel like I’ve wasted about 20 mins here. *

World Television Championship: PitBull 2 (c) vs Chris Jericho

Now, surely, we’re talking. Jericho’s billed as “the last survivor of the Hart family dungeon”. He doesn’t get too much reaction but he’s only a few months into an ECW run. PitBull 2 is over. He powers Jericho around and scouts some of his quick kicks (Jericho’s sort of a karate guy here). PitBull hits a gorilla press into a tombstone, which is both impressive and a bit scary. Jericho finally fires back, getting a quick roll up for a two then stomping PitBull and hitting a move not unlike his Judas Effect. This doesn’t take PitBull down, though he is bleeding somehow. A hurricanrana sends PitBull outside. Jericho hits a huge springboard moonsault. The crowd are on board now. PitBull regains control as he bungs Chris into the barrier and nails an incredibly stiff chair shot. Jericho’s the last guy I’d expect to take that, he seems too switched on. Maybe these are the dues you’ve got to pay to be extreme; he really tenses up before impact. Jericho’s caught in a chinlock, then chopped in the corner. 

Now we start to speed up as Jericho hits a dropkick for a two count, then sticks in some of his heavy chops. An enziguri gets another two, but a snapmare lands PitBull another two. He hoists Jericho for a powerbomb, then runs him into a corner. He transitions a superplex into a fallaway slam from the ropes - he doesn’t look entirely sure of himself. Shane Douglas interjects for some reason. He grabs at the TV title. He kisses PitBull’s valet Francine. PitBull intercedes but Shane throws Francine into the path. Jericho leaps to the outside and nails Shane. PitBull 1 comes out. He checks on Francine far too roughly and carries her out. Back in the ring, another hurricanrana is caught by PitBull into a quite sloppy powerbomb. Jericho hits a Samoan drop of all things. He goes for the lionsault but it’s caught. They do that tombstone reversal spot that I’d associate with Undertaker and Batista. On the last turn, Jericho is chucked outside. He leaps back in and is caught in a super rough looking powerslam. PitBull ascends. Jericho catches him but his superplex is reversed into a powerbomb, which in turn is reversed into a Jericho headscissors, which is enough for the three!

Verdict: Good fun but with some seriously sloppy stuff from PitBull 2 who very nearly bungled quite a few spots. Because he was able to salvage it each time, though, that frisson of danger made it more exciting if anything. ***½ 

PitBull shakes Jericho’s hand and gives him the belt. They really won the crowd over the course of that match. Douglas tries to get involved - it’d have been better still if he hadn’t inserted himself. PitBull and Jericho have a cuddle, which is maybe a bit much, as the refs drag Shane off. 

Another smash cut. Beulah and some other lady bring a load of shit down to the ring. 

Tommy Dreamer vs Prime Time Brian Lee

This is billed as a weapons match, but I thought the point of this promotion was it’s basically always a weapons match. Whatever. The ring’s full of gear. Lee absorbs a few weapons shots then takes control. Outside the ring he hits Dreamer with a bin and some assorted tat. He quite carefully jams something sharp in Tommy’s head. They wander around. Dreamer smashes a flimsy crate over Brian’s head. They get amongst the crowd. It’s basically impossible to film when they do that. Outside the ring, they do that funny wrestling stuff where you put a hand on the other chap’s head and just lead him to where you want to go. Lee chucks Dreamer into a shutter. One fan tries his best to hand Lee a cymbal to hit Dreamer with, but Lee’s not into it. Dreamer turns things around and bungs Lee into the shutter. Everywhere they try to go, there’s fans milling about. One conscientious spectator urges the assembled to get out of the way of the camera. 

They chuck each other into parked trucks. Dreamer takes the cymbal off that one fan but decides against using it. Back into the arena, Tommy takes control, hitting Lee in turn with a tray, a mailbox, another mailbox and a violin - now that, I like. Dreamer misses a guitar shot and gets chokeslammed. Lee drops a cinder block on Dreamer’s bollocks. Beulah comes to the rescue but gets chokeslammed and all. Beulah’s pal gets her top off to distract Brian. It does the job, and Dreamer snatches a DDT onto a stop sign for the win. 

Verdict: A lot of that was fun, and if the walking and brawling is a bit dreary after a while, it’s basically what you’re buying into this for. **½ 

The Bruise Brothers attack. We skip forward in time to find Lee atop a balcony, where he chokeslams Dreamer through a stack of tables. It looks fantastic to be fair. You’d imagine that would be an iconic image of the promotion. 

Rob Van Dam vs Sabu

These two are embroiled in a series of matches. We’re told that something went wrong with the ring and accordingly there’s been a one hour delay, which explains the slightly dreary crowd for the final bout. Sabu has a neck brace - I don’t think I’ve actually ever seen him in his prime. RVD’s fresh faced. He picked a look and stuck with it to the bitter end. He always comes across as a nice chap I think. He points at Sabu’s neck brace and laughs.

It’s zippy stuff from the off, the pair diving at each other and missing. Sabu starts to work RVD’s knee. His strikes look great. He hits a springboard leg drop thing for a two. When Sabu tries to run the ropes, they snap again. “Fuck the ring,” the crowd chants. This whole hour-long break was pointless. Sabu hits a dangerous looking moonsault off the ropes. Outside the ring he racks RVD on the rail, then goes back in for a tope. That looked dangerous too. The fight goes into the bleachers. Kids are jumping out of the way. They’ve wised up a bit and got a security guard to keep the fans clear. Back in the ring, RVD hits a pretty slow senton while holding the chair. There’s a rope break of all things - the ropes are broke, alright. Sabu sets up a chair, runs and jumping kicks RVD in the corner. You’d imagine Jeff Hardy was quite inspired by Sabu. RVD gets back in control. He flips onto Sabu with the chair, which has opened. That looks grim. 

A stiff chairshot and a standing moonsault get a two for RVD, but Sabu goes back to the knee. He hits a slingshot bulldog off the baggy ropes, which is impressive. The crowd’s gone quiet on account of the ridiculous hour delay. More bouncy moonsaults and they take the fight outside. Sabu runs along a table and hits a spin kick. He’s not got a great deal of variety in his arsenal but everything he does looks thrillingly out of control. He sets up a table bridge between the guardrail and ring. He sets up a chair to jump from in the ring, but RVD scarpers into the crowd. No matter - Sabu goes for it anyway. Back on the table, RVD manages to stand and catch a flying Sabu in a DDT. Fantastic spot. Back in the ring, Sabu misses a moonsault and lands balls-first on the ropes. RVD goes off the chair for a kick. Something went a bit wrong there. Back outside, a chair’s stuck on the rail so RVD can hit a fairly scary brainbuster. RVD gets a two back in the ring. 

RVD places Sabu for a superplex, but he’s launched off by Sabu, who gets a DDT. RVD sells it so well; he just crumples. A rope break for the resulting pin. Sabu goes up top but is caught in a smashing fisherman’s buster. A close two for RVD. RVD tries for another buster, but Sabu counters for one of his own. Sabu hits a flipping leg drop with the chair. Perhaps I’m being very effectively worked but I cannot see how you protect someone doing that. He gets the pin.

Verdict: Easily the best match. In this promotion Sabu’s the definition of accentuating the positive and masking the negative, while RVD’s a cut above. It’s a shame the crowd’s so sleepy but you can chalk that up to bad luck really. ****

Paul Heyman comes in to check on the combatants. RVD’s stretchered out. Sabu sells his injuries for a long while. He’s placed on a stretcher too but tries to wriggle off it. 

Final verdict: There’s quality in here as well as stretches in which the amazing crowd carries it through; there’s also some proper dogshit. The weird cutting doesn’t help. Raven/Gordy and Sabu/RVD are well worthwhile. C-